“Writing is the friend I never knew I needed.”

It feels strange to say that. In the past, I have never been a writer. Of course, I had to write in school. But that was mostly essays, with regurgitated facts or others’ re-worded opinions. I had a couple of diaries growing up. I always wanted so badly to keep a diary, but perfection stopped me. “The diary begins January 1. There is to be an entry every single day. Each entry must be dated and signed off in the same way.” I have no idea why I felt the need to give myself so many rules, but I could never keep up with them all! I would miss a few days worth of entries, and then give up, believing I had failed. Also, because I was so structured about it, I never knew what to write. It was mostly things like, “Today I went to school. Math is boring.” It wasn’t exactly insightful.

But within the past several months, I’ve started writing. I forced myself to accept no rules and to have no structure. At first, it was simply a way for me to blow off steam. Then it evolved. Writing became the place I can share myself, where I can air out and organize my thoughts and opinions. It’s a rare place that I can completely be myself, free of judgment. I can think and feel how I want, without worrying that I’m different or “too much.” Writing is the place where my “too much” becomes my “just enough.” Writing calms the ever-present chaos in my head, helps to center me, and helps me to see things more clearly. It opens my mind and allows me to THINK. Writing has brought more focus to my goals and how to achieve them. I believe that writing is one of my keys to a positive outlook on life.

As I was looking through one of my little notebooks this morning, I remembered writing this a while back:

So, if writing is my new friend, I am really glad to have met her.

“Linds, come here,” he whisper-shouted, late one afternoon. I came running, sensing his urgency. “You’re not going to believe this,” M said, pointing out the back door. I looked and saw it. A huge hawk was sitting on our fence, staring at us through the glass door. At first, I was nervous. “He’s so close. Are the kids and the dog safe?” Soon, though, after we had gone out to photograph the bird, I lost a bit of the nervousness. Even later, when M took the kids to the park, I sat alone out on the deck, watching him survey the yards. I watched him as he spied his dinner, and as he swooped into the neighbors’ yard, where he caught and politely ate his meal behind the fence. When he was finished, he hopped back onto the fence, collected himself and flew away.

That night, when we were almost ready for bed, M was trying out all the features on his new phone. Only half joking, I suggested, “Ask your phone what type of hawk was outside earlier.” It had been on my mind all evening. I had been hearing the cries of a few hawks for several weeks, and had had even seen one flying past our house a time or two. But for him to be sitting so close was unusual and interesting . M asked the question, and his fancy new phone started reading to us this blog post.

I learned that in many Native American traditions, when a hawk visits a person, it is bringing her some kind of message. She should take the hawk’s visit as a sign to be more observant and to look at the big picture in her life right now.

I felt it so timely. I have lately been doing some soul-searching, and have been making positive changes in my life. I’ve lost weight, begun to exercise, and eat more healthfully. I’ve been spending more time outdoors, connecting with nature. I’ve been trying to be more aware of my faults and triggers, as well as my strengths. I’ve been trying to let go of the ridiculous, but controlling, idea of perfection. I’ve been working on conquering fears and anxieties. I have been trying to be more in touch with my inner Self, my soul, and I hope to share parts of it somehow. I’ve discovered a kind of therapy in writing. I am trying to be more positive. I’ve been more spiritual. I’ve begun to feel more and more passion towards living a more natural lifestyle, and to work towards preserving what we can of God’s beautiful, but severely damaged, creation. I feel that someday, I will do something meaningful and important with my life. I will do something that I and my family will be proud of. I don’t know exactly what or when it will be. But, the hawk coming to visit? I felt his message loud and clear. “You’re on the right track. Keep moving forward, even when you fail. Seek your own truth and live it. Now is the time.”

When I first decided to write this, I looked again online for more information on the meaning of a hawk’s visit. I could hear my hawk and his family shrieking in the trees through my window, as I sat at the computer desk. “Pay attention! Focus!” I found a few more writings online that inspired me, especially this, by Ina Woolcott:

“The destiny of man is to awaken from their spiritual amnesia and to realign with the original intention of their soul. When the hawk gets a hold of us in his powerful talons, we will be asked to evaluate who we have become and to shatter our self-created illusions. This will help our inner truth to come out into the open and for it to shine.”

When I was finished with the computer, I went out to my backyard to write, pencil on paper. As I opened the back door, I saw him again, this time on the roof of our dilapidated old shed. He shrieked at me. “I’m still here. Keep paying attention.” He watched me as I slowly and quietly closed the door behind me and walked to my lounge chair. I watched him and he watched me. Several minutes later, he puffed his feathers and flew away.

Right now, I feel at peace. I am thankful that my ears and my heart were open to hear and feel the message. I am feeling hopeful and excited about my life. I had let anxieties, fears and negativity lead my life for far too long, and I know that I will have setbacks and rough times. But, I plan to stay positive, to focus, to keep my eyes, ears and heart open, to seek my own truth, and to share a bit of my soul with the world.