This morning, I filled the log rack on our deck. I was in my flannel pjs and winter boots, a down jacket, and a scarf. I couldn’t find my leather work gloves, so I wore knit gloves. It was one of the coldest mornings of the year, but I was cozy and comfortable. The icy chill on my cheeks and nose felt almost nice! At one point, I picked up a log and a splinter poked through my glove, into my skin. “Ouch,” I thought, as I pulled off the glove and removed the splinter. I put the glove back on and threw another log into the wheelbarrow. I finished loading it and pushed it toward the house. The wheel got stuck in a bump in the yard, so I backed up and gave a bigger push to get over. When I was moving the logs onto the small rack, I realized something. I chuckled. “This isn’t too bad! I mean, I’m actually enjoying myself, aren’t I?! Wow!” On the second trip from the big woodpile, one log rolled off the wheelbarrow. As I turned around and picked it up, I was just… awestruck. The sky was BEAUTIFUL! The sun was rising, and the sky was streaked with orange, red, gold and blue. I stared at it, with the log in my hand. It was like I had never seen the sky before. I was smiling, happy, at peace. For a moment. Then I turned and finished the second and third loads of firewood and went back inside. But I still felt happy, at peace, and even cheerful!
Good Morning
I have changed so much. The “old me” would have been cranky for having had to get the wood this morning in the first place. Then I would have focused on the little mishaps (the missing gloves, the splinter, the stuck wheel, the runaway log), instead of the joy of being out in nature in the morning. I’d have missed the beautiful sunrise. I wouldn’t have noticed my husband peeking out the window, shaking his head and smiling (as if to say, “Silly girl, I said I’d do that for you! But I’m proud of you!”). I am so glad that I have gotten to this place! I have changed so much, yet change does not come easy. The old me still pops up. Often. But at least now I notice when I start slipping back into old habits and thought patterns. I try to forgive myself and MOVE ON. I have to remember that no one is perfect. No one. I have to remind myself all(!) the(!) time(!) not to dwell on mistakes and not to worry what others think of me when I make them. (And sometimes when I forget, God sends someone else to remind me.) Actually, I’ve been having an existential crisis of sorts. I’ve spent the past several months doing some SERIOUS soul-searching. I mean really… treating it like a full-time job. Because of this, I can confidently say that I believe in God. My faith that this is true is deeper than it has ever been (at least in my conscious memory). I KNOW that there is God, to the deepest parts of my soul. Because I believe in God, I know that everything is what it is and I am who I am because it is the way it is supposed to be. I know that choosing to worry or to be consumed by guilt and regret is simply choosing fear over love and truth. Guilt and anxiety only hold a person back. They hide the truth, and I am so very thankful that I can now see my past for what it is: lessons and experiences to bring me to who I am now. I am learning to be grateful for my past, for the lessons I’ve learned. I am sorry for my mistakes and sins, but I accept them, and I know they make me who I am. God forgives me and accepts me. I accept myself and know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.